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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30094629">Acceptance</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cant/pseuds/cant'>cant</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>None - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depression, M/M, Panic, Schizophrenia, kellin just tries really hard and wants to do well but it's not easy for him, self harm mention warning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:08:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,789</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30094629</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cant/pseuds/cant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kellin hates disappointing people, but sometimes he has to remember that normal people don't have the struggles he does</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Acceptance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>From the moment he sat down in the science classroom, Kellin knew something was about to go wrong. For an hour he endured, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt under the table, hearing everything but barely taking in a word. He’d developed a tic recently, something that happened occasionally, so when he accidentally brought his hand up and punched the metal bar under the lab table he just swore quietly to himself and sat on it, repressing the feeling, trying not to make too much of a scene. It was bad today. Faint whispers were discussing something in the background, though the teacher didn’t react, so Kellin decided not to react too, instead zoning out.<br/>
The pile of paper being thrown onto his desk woke him up, however. Fuck, the test they’d done last week, the one he’d studied like crazy for. The back of the test looked up at him, daring him to turn it over.<br/>
Mr Dyer looked at him, he could feel it, but he couldn’t move. He didn’t want to turn it over. </p><p>“I have a test on Monday,” Kellin said, forlorn, over dinner. “Physics.”<br/>
His mum looked up in surprise. “I thought you liked physics.”<br/>
Kellin could only move food around his plate, aware his brother was watching him like a hawk for leftovers. He nodded, shrugged. “It’s just… It’s been so bad recently. I can’t concentrate.”<br/>
His mum thought for a moment, watching him in curiosity. Then she put down her fork. “Tell you what, lovely. If you do well, work hard, we’ll go somewhere nice, okay? Your favourite restaurant.”<br/>
Chris liked that, sitting up straight. “Dude, please. I miss their dumplings.”<br/>
“And the soup? So good,” she sighed, smiling finally. “It’d be nice to go out together.”<br/>
All Kellin’s broken brain provided him with was doubt. But when his mum smiled? That was a little different. He was fairly sure it had been weeks since he’d seen her with any other emotion than the haze of depression that had hung over them since the move – and he could make her smile more if he did well. </p><p>He’d never studied for anything harder in his life, and now turning over the test seemed monumental. As everyone packed up around him, he slowly reached up and turned it over.<br/>
31/100.<br/>
It was like someone had just poured ice water down the back of his shirt.<br/>
Pure despair, taking the ground out from under him, making his mind go terrifyingly blank, nothing but white noise in his ears. He’d tried so hard, and for what? To barely scrape a pass? His mum’s smile came back to him, but it was distorted now, dark, twisted like the monsters he used to see in the walls, disappointed in her burden of a son.<br/>
Mr Dyer carefully sat down in front of Kellin, who’d gone almost totally catatonic from the moment the test was put in front of him. “You all right?” He asked, feeling a little useless.<br/>
It was almost like the boy had forgotten how to breathe, but he hadn’t forgotten how to cry. Tears were making tracks down his cheeks already, and Mr Dyer’s heart broke a little. He’d wanted him to do well, so much so that he’d even considered giving him an easier test, but that wouldn’t have been fair.<br/>
“Thirty one is a pass, Kell,” he said lamely, knowing how little comfort that was.<br/>
Kellin’s voice was hoarse, choked. “I- I tried so…”<br/>
Mr Dyer sighed heavily. He could hear the other students lining up outside the door for the next lesson, and he had to go, but his conscience hated the idea of leaving the poor guy in such a state. “Look, you’re a clever guy, but you need to… Y’know. Find a way to work around this. This really isn’t the worst score, Kell. Okay?”<br/>
Kellin nodded, but he was shaking now, anxious tremors rocking his body. Mr Dyer slid a tissue over the desk to him, which he took, but clenched it in his fist so hard it was like he was trying to break it.<br/>
“Okay. Come back to me tomorrow, and we’ll work something out, okay?” he said carefully. “I have a free period fourth. We can go through it. Deep breaths, Kell.”<br/>
Kellin seemed to have got over the initial shock, because he just looked tired now, slumping forwards and his head dropping when he nodded. </p><p>Kellin couldn’t feel anything at all as he made his way through the school, towards the psychology block where he was vaguely sure his next lesson was. Everyone was already in by now, so he had the corridor to himself for a long moment.<br/>
The fluorescent lights buzzed overhead, and in the classroom he could faintly hear his teacher talking about schizophrenia, his favourite. How many times had he heard that word, particularly from doctors talking about him where they thought he couldn’t hear? When a boy comes into the hospital babbling about his friend that didn’t exist, a friend that had apparently jumped from the top of the school building and splattered him in blood, even though there was none to be found, it’s a fun guessing game. Kell just had to live with it. The medication sucked, the hallucinations were fucking annoying, and he could barely justify the effort put into helping him when he came back with scores like 31/100.<br/>
The door opened, and Kellin felt like he was watching a movie as Morgan walked out, typing something on his phone before pressing call. His own phone buzzed in his pocket. Morgan looked up, and the moment he saw Kell he lit up into a smile, but Kellin couldn’t feel it.<br/>
“Good timing,” he said once the door had shut, walking over to Kell, but his smile faded as he did.<br/>
Kellin was too tired to cry, but he still felt the tears sliding down, which just irritated him. He wanted to be angry, to punch something, because he’d tried so fucking hard only to prove that he was a disappointment. He didn’t need proof of that. Everyone knew.<br/>
The anger, however, stood no chance against a gentle hug from Morgan. He wasted no time in dropping his bag and his jacket, arms coming up to rest around his waist, face buried in his shoulder. Kell didn’t want to breathe, but Morgan’s chest against his felt like he was sharing energy, at least a little. Kell took a shaky breath. </p><p>“That’s a pass, though,” Morgan said, apparently confused, handing him back the test. They were sitting outside now, around the back of the building, because Kellin had to smoke something and Morgan hadn’t really wanted to leave him alone. “That’s not bad at all.”<br/>
Kell just sighed and fiddled with the cigarette, his arms on his knees. Morgan hated those little lines of scars, going almost all the way up his arm, but he couldn’t take his eyes off them. None of them seemed fresh, which was good. “I promised,” he said quietly.<br/>
“What’s that?” Morgan prompted.<br/>
“I promised Mum I’d do well,” he said, taking another drag. “I haven’t seen her smile in so long.”<br/>
Morgan thought for a moment. “I can’t think of a polite way to say this,” he began carefully, “but you know you made the effort. This is good. For you, I mean. The shit you have to deal with, I can’t imagine, but nobody else hears voices all the time, so they’re at an unfair advantage.”<br/>
Kellin seemed to take it surprisingly well. He hummed an acknowledgement, looking down at the ground, but didn’t seem upset. “You know I forget that,” he said. “That people don’t… That it’s not normal.”<br/>
That almost made Morgan smile. He nudged Kell slightly in the side. “See? You’re not stupid, you’re just dealing with a lot more. And that’s okay, you know. Your Mum will understand that. Tell her you passed, she’ll be over the moon. And if she has a problem with it, she’ll have a problem with me. And I’m pretty sure Chris will defend you.”<br/>
Kellin hesitated, and Morgan could watch him for a moment. He looked so calm now, like he’d gone through all the stages of grief and just accepted it. He stubbed out the cigarette.<br/>
“Thanks,” Kell said, still subdued, but at least he felt like he was actually inhabiting his body now. “Sorry I dragged you out of the lesson.”<br/>
“No, it’s fine,” Morgan said, sincere. “Kinda sucks without you there.”<br/>
Kellin threatened to smile then, just a little. “You’re so gay,” he sighed, but his actions betrayed his words, shuffling to sit even closer to Morgan.<br/>
“I’m bi,” Morgan corrected him. “You’re gay. And that’s why I dress better.”<br/>
“Fuck you,” Kell mumbled, about to lean on his shoulder, but the tic decided it was time to make an appearance and his hand came up to hit the wall behind him, like he was trying to swat away something, almost hitting Morgan in the process. “Ow, shit-“<br/>
“That’s new,” Morgan said, while Kellin winced and tried to shove his hand under his knee.<br/>
“When I was at the hospital one of those fucking hallucinations kept sneaking up on me,” Kellin mumbled, “and I ended up hitting a nurse. I can’t even help it now.”<br/>
For a moment, Morgan could just stare at him.<br/>
“What?”<br/>
“Nothing,” Morgan said, though he couldn’t fight back the smile. “You’re so weird.”<br/>
“Fuck off. You’re weird.” </p><p>Morgan was right. As usual. Kellin gave his mother the test, hands shaking and blood rushing in his ears, but the second the saw the 31 she lit up and grinned at him, and the relief that washed over him was purely overwhelming.<br/>
“A pass? That’s amazing, lovely- Oh, it’s not?”<br/>
He was crying, not like in the classroom, not like with Morgan; Kellin was fully sobbing, sick of it but so overcome with relief that he couldn’t think to do anything else. Even Chris looked up in surprise, coming up to see the test.<br/>
“Thirty one, damn,” he said. “Thank god I get to have those dumplings again.”<br/>
“I’m- I’m just so relieved,” Kellin managed to choke out between sobs. He’d spent all day tense and nervous, and now she was smiling, amused now she realised what he was actually upset about. She’d looked so tired when he’d left in the morning, burdened, the darkness of depression hanging over her head, but now she was smiling, and he couldn’t think any more. “I thought you’d- I thought it was shit-“<br/>
“What? No, no, this is fantastic, Kell,” she laughed, pulling him into a hug. “I know how hard you worked. Well done.”</p>
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